Update!

I know, I know. I haven't written on here in a while, like I said I was going to be doing. There are many reasons for that, so please allow me to explain. : -)

First of all, school took over my life until last Monday night, when I graduated with my Bachelor of Science in Biblical Studies from Moody Bible Institute. I am very thankful that part of my life is over and that, once my diploma comes in the mail in a few weeks, I'm officially a college graduate! Hooray!

Second of all, I was busy preparing for the International Christian Retail Show that took place July 12-15th in Denver, CO. The show went very well, and I know that God is going to open doors for ministry because of it. Thank you so much to those who were praying for me before and during my trip! I definitely felt - and needed - your prayers! Please continue to pray for me, as I diligently seek the Lord's wisdom regarding employment and the direction of the ministry, now that I have graduated and look to start a new season in life. Getting a job is not as simple for me as for some (though in this economy, getting a job is not simple for anyone!), as I have many things to take into consideration, especially quality, or even availability, of health insurance. Honestly, the whole process is just not fun and can be very emotionally-taxing at times.

Finally, a lot has happened between John and I since the beginning of the summer, and I really wasn't sure how to "update" all of you at times when things were changing almost daily at one point. In any case, I still can't say a ton now, but please know that your prayers are greatly appreciated. John and I are very much a part of each others' lives and no longer on a "break", as the Lord made it pretty clear to both of us (well, to John...I've always been rather sure) from the beginning of the summer that we're to be together. We've both learned a lot this summer, though, about ourselves and our desperate need for Him individually, not just corporately. It is those lessons that have made us a stronger couple and given us confirmation that our love is from Him and Him alone, that we'll never complete each other and, above all, that we will always need the Lord more than the affection of the other. As we continue to seek His face, we covet your prayers and look forward to announcing more about our future very, very soon. : -)

Amber

My Prayer

Lord,
I'm restless. You know that. Please, Father, continue to help me focus on YOU this Summer and not on how it's all going to pan out. I need you, Father! I do so well, and then through my own choices and my relentless mind, I stumble and fall....and I make things worse for myself. Lord, You know my heart. You know that ultimately I want Your will and not my own. Please help me to be an advocate of hearing Your voice, and most importantly, of listening when I hear. Jesus, thank you for loving me when I am so unlovable, when I'm off-focus and far from where You want me to be. Please guide my steps, my words....everything, Lord. I need You. I don't know what else to say tonight. Thank you for being so faithful to me, for continually showing me Your love, for helping me see that Your plans are higher than mine, as well as Your thoughts (Is. 55). Jesus, when I'm restless, when I miss John the most, please point my thoughts back to YOU. Please help me to not deny my emotions but at the same time not be ruled by them. Help me to know what is of you and what is not; Lord, discernment is what I grave...please give me wisdom and then the ability to follow through with what I know You've said. Jesus, I screw-up so much, but yet You are faithful to your wayward children, to me. Oh, how I love you Father and don' t know sometimes how You put up with me! : -)

I call You, Faithful, Lord! You have been so faithful to me....

Jesus Is Good To Me

I honestly don't remember what "day" it is on my journey, although I have a pretty good guess since it hasn't been that long, but I'm moving past merely counting days and onward to what Jesus has for me, for my summer.

I just have to say that God's presence is so much better than anything I've ever experienced. I should remember that from four summers ago, but this time, I'm learning it in a new, deeper way of sorts. No, I am not struggling for every breath like I was before, but I am having to daily give up my inhibitions and conform them to God's will. The summer of 2005, I didn't really have a strong will. I couldn't really breathe, let alone think about doing much else. Today, though, I have all of my inhibitions and a very, very strong will. A will that has strayed many times in the past year, a will that is daily re-conforming itself to Christ through discipline, and most of all, because of His grace that He extends to me in measures that are far beyond what I deserve.

At the end of the day, I love Jesus Christ. I love how faithful He is to me, how much He desires my fellowship, how sacrificially He loves me even when I am so filthy and unlovable. In simple terms, Jesus is so very good to me.

Micah 6:8 is the simplest way I can state what God's will is for my life right now:

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God?" (AMP)

You see, I don't have the answers to my summer. Only God does, and I'm beginning to realize the answers don't lie in a decision of whether or not I'm getting married but instead in how much of Him I will delight. Psalm 37:4 has always been one of my favorite Scriptures, and I'm coming back to its timeless truth once more:

It says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart."

I am once again desiring in the LORD and not in any functional Saviors, including the love of another human being....and in-turn, He's truly giving me the desires of my heart. My desire is His presence above all else...

Amen.

"I Will Rise"

I didn't want to go to church today. Well, let me clarify -- my church. I had planned all week not to go, to avoid the inevitable....but God saw it otherwise and convinced (after a 20 minute argument with Him, which He won, as always) me to go. I'm so thankful He did. Oh, how the Lord is always up to something.

I was thinking about a song this morning by Chris Tomlin called I Will Rise and then found out in Sunday School that we would be singing that very same song in the main service, the song Jesus used to prompt me to face my fears and worship where I have for 23 years.

The song goes like this:

I Will Rise
Verse 1:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an Anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Pre-Chorus:
Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

Verse 2:
There's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes

Chorus:
And I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise

Bridge:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!
You are worthy! You are worthy!
Worthy is the Lamb!

Final Chorus:
I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise....
I will rise....
______________________________

I can't begin to explain to you how healing that song was for me. The past couple of days, I have been learning that sitting around and counting down the days until some supposed decision is made is not productive. No, I still don't have a say in which way the decision will go, but I do have a say in what I do with my time in the meantime. I can either sit here and pine, or I can do something greater, something that will take every thing within me -- I can let it go.

No, I don't know how to do that at this point. I am not saying that I am denying my emotions or acting as if I no longer care. Far from the case. Wouldn't you care if it was your life? I thought so. Acting as if whatever is decided does not matter to me is not what I am talking about. It does matter to me. It always will, one way or another...but there's something greater in me that matters, my desire to conform my will to His.

After all, Oswald Chambers once said, "The most profound thing in a person is his will, not his sin." So, I ask you (and myself), what is my will striving after? Is it the Lord? Is it a diamond ring? Is it my degree through Moody...or is it Jesus Christ and His presence? I learned four years ago that my life is not in my control, yet somehow, there are times I still think it is. There are times I think I can will things to happen. I do have a strong will, after all, right? Well, yes, but last time I checked, God was still sovereign over that will and commanding that I conform it to His.

As I do this, I join the chorus that sings "Worthy is the Lamb", as the song says. The times I am stubborn and prideful and long to will my own life into place, I am not being obedient. I am just flat-out being sinful and full of nasty, Holy Spirit-hindering pride. I don't want to live that way, no matter if I live alone the rest of my life or not.

I pose to myself (and you) the same question Oswald Chambers posed to his readers so long ago and follow it up with his statement that goes with the question:

"Do I believe that Almighty God is the Source of my will?
God not only expects me to do His will, but He is in me to do it."

Amen.

"Death Is Not Dying"

"The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever."
-- John Piper

Summer 2009: Days #1-4 (well almost) are over.

Today I am pondering a video I watched earlier this afternoon (when I discovered my school's website was down - too bad) called Death Is Not Dying. I encourage all of you to take an hour or so out of your day sometime soon and watch (or listen) to Rachel, a young wife and mother explain that not only is she dying from cancer (as of March 4th, she was given 6-18 wks to live) but that she is not defined by her cancer but instead Jesus. Yes, I realize the video is 55 minutes long, but it's worth it. I promise.

Rachel's outline is:
1. Know God
2. Know Yourself
3. Know the Gospel
4. Know Your Purpose

Tears came to my eyes as I watched, as I thought of my own life and my own death.

So, as I sit here in my office and start my personal journey this summer with Jesus, I deal with fear #1.

#1: Dying Alone
Honestly, I don't want to die alone, i.e without a spouse. I don't want to die with just my parents, although I love them dearly and realize I could never repay them for everything they've done for me and know they'd do it for me again in a heartbeat....I just don't want to watch them suffer again. I don't want that burden to be upon them once more, yet I know with or without a husband it will indefinitely be.

Now, let me make it clear: as of now I am not dying (well I am, but y'know what I mean). I may have EBV, but I am certainly far from my grave, or maybe not...only the Lord knows. All I know is that my God-given desire of wanting to be "one" with another as soon as possible stems partly from knowing that my death will most likely be much sooner than my peers, from knowing myself and knowing how much I love physical touch, especially when I'm hurting (physically and/or emotionally), but most of all, from longing to bring the Lord glory through a Christ-centered marriage -- no matter how long He allows me to be here on earth.

I realize, though, that the marriage may never come. I may indeed have to face death with my parents and loving friends by my side, without ever being known fully (mind, body & soul) by another human being. I realize I may never be blessed with the privilege of being a wife and that I may be saying goodbye to the man I love after this summer and watching him find the one to whom he shall cling for the rest of his days. As I type this, I am saying to myself, "Amber, isn't all the Lord has done for you enough? What more do you want?". I admit....I selfishly at times want more....yet I know that the nearness of my God is my good (Psalm 73:28), no matter what. No matter what.

I will not pretend to act as if I am not in love with another, that I do not long for oneness with a man who loves Christ and me, as well...but, at the end of the day, that love that brought us together was founded upon Jesus - the Author and Finisher of my faith - and I know that He is sovereign over it. He can choose for us to not enter a marriage. I simply don't know. I go back and forth between wanting to remain positive and preparing myself for life without John after this summer. I have never been very good at balance, so trying to remain neutral on this issue so close to my heart is proving rather taxing.

I am falling back in love with Jesus, the One who knows me better than myself. No, I never left my First Love and have actively sought His wisdom through the past year, but I also know that my affections have at times been directed more so at my human desire instead of my Heavenly Father. I am human. I do not pretend to be otherwise. I love John, yet I've always loved Jesus more and now have to put my "proper theology of suffering" to practice -- every hour of every day. It is only Day #4, after all. There are many, many summer nights to go.

So, today I reflect on the simple fact that I will never have to worry about dying alone. Jesus is here. My family is here. I have been blessed with the most Godly, gracious friends on the planet; they will be there, too. I am scared at times. I do cry. I am not superwoman, as I said in Breathtaking. I am just as human as anyone else, full of emotions and always trying to find the balance between acknowledging them and being ruled by them. And for now, I rest calmly in the arms of Jesus, the One who never changes and loves me for who I am, now and forever.

To John (if he ever reads this):
As I wrote to you in my journal today, I miss you...but I leave you with Jesus and ask for His divine revelation in your life today, not that He'd tell you to marry me but instead that He'd just show you His presence. That, as we have always agreed, is far much more than we could ever ask.


By His grace,
Amber

Summer 2009: A Summer To Remember!

I'll start blogging on here later this week. Thanks for wanting to walk this journey with me, as I embark on my "summer to remember".....our God is faithful!

Simplicity

Sorry it's been so long. There's so much I could say about the last several months of my life, but for now, I'll keep it simple....

Jesus is Enough.

He's enough for me, for you, for the world. He always has been, is now and always will be....Hebrews 13:8 promises us that. I could divulge all of my secrets, all of my fears/hurts, but instead I choose this day to stand at the foot of the Cross and lay it all down, knowing He's been holding me the whole time waiting for me to drop my baggage off and stand in His marvelous grace.

What is He asking of you today?