Where Have I Been?

..Where have I been?

In the past few months, I have/ have been:

• Learning once more than this certainly is NOT about me
  
• Dealing with the fact I can't have my own children, may never be married
  
• Being a nanny to 4 children, whom I adore, while also adding two more
• Spending a lot of time at work, thanking the Lord I get to work alongside my inner circle every single day
• Spending some time away from work, so I can clear my head and continue to remember MY vision
  
• Moving out of my parents' home, something I've wanted to do again for years
  
• Spending a lot of time with the Lord, the only Constant in my life
• Dreaming new dreams again, standing in awe of Him when I see them come true for HIS glory
  
• Cherishing my time with my mentors, Buck Sutton & Heather Hall
  
• On the road a lot, feeling lonely but realizing this is the life to which I am called
  
• Hearing "I love you" from people who choose to love me for who I am
  
• Watched a close friend walk away and suddenly slowly make her way back into my life
  
• Watched another close friend leave for England, praying the answers come for him in HIS timing - not mine
  
• Cried a lot of tears, for a lot of reasons
  
• Prepared myself for the day I watch another close friend walk out of my life to enter a wonderful, Godly marriage...as well as the day I watch someone else walk out of my life to enter a marriage I pray every day doesn't happen for her sake
• Wished I had more time to spend with a friend whom I love dearly but don't see enough
  
• Watched a close friend have to walk away from a job she loved and enter a time of loneliness and refinement, while also not finding the time - again - to see her as much as I want, either
• Wondered how I ever got to where I am when I am so stupid, so needy and so small
  
• Wondered if my life will abruptly come to an end this year for His glory
• Wondered if I'll beat all the previous records and live 50 yrs.
• Experienced trying health problems and watched those close to me rally around me during them
  
• Had to be fed, carried and comforted for the first time in over two years
• Wanted to see His face more than anything else this world has to offer
• Wanted what my flesh wants more times than I'd like to admit
• Believed with all my heart that God called me for such a time as this to do something HUGE
  
• Questioned when I'm supposed to let go of something I love being involved in
  
• At the same time believed that my role has - and will continue - to change in a particular ministry
• Refined the vision of the ministry with which God has entrusted me
• Cried - again - a lot
  
• Have fought wanting to not be vulnerable with Him and others
  
• Have sought His will and then not believed He would perform it
  
• Have repented of said sin multiple times
  
• Have listen to Shane and Shane's In The Secret probably 500 times (including right now)
• Have not read a page of Breathtaking since its release
  
• Have fasted and prayed for souls to come to know Him through this book HE created
  
• Have watched Him provide for my finances in the toughest of times
• Have questioned if He would provide and then had to repent in the same breath
  
• Haven't made much sense at times, if you couldn't tell already
• Been extremely critical of what I put on paper
• Wondered if I'll always be this way
  
• Decided that I'm only publishing this because He wants me to....

Oh Father, I'm so broken once more...please make beauty from ashes once more. Make me lie down in green pastures, so that I am still and know that YOU and YOU alone are God, my Abba Father. I don't need man's praise...I just need You. Lord, be Master of my life and continue to empty me of everything I desire, everything that keeps me from You. Lord, kill me and burn within me a desire to be fueled by a passion that only comes from YOUR consuming fire. I need You, oh I need You.