"The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever."
-- John Piper
-- John Piper
Summer 2009: Days #1-4 (well almost) are over.
Today I am pondering a video I watched earlier this afternoon (when I discovered my school's website was down - too bad) called Death Is Not Dying. I encourage all of you to take an hour or so out of your day sometime soon and watch (or listen) to Rachel, a young wife and mother explain that not only is she dying from cancer (as of March 4th, she was given 6-18 wks to live) but that she is not defined by her cancer but instead Jesus. Yes, I realize the video is 55 minutes long, but it's worth it. I promise.
Rachel's outline is:
1. Know God
2. Know Yourself
3. Know the Gospel
4. Know Your Purpose
Tears came to my eyes as I watched, as I thought of my own life and my own death.
So, as I sit here in my office and start my personal journey this summer with Jesus, I deal with fear #1.
#1: Dying Alone
Honestly, I don't want to die alone, i.e without a spouse. I don't want to die with just my parents, although I love them dearly and realize I could never repay them for everything they've done for me and know they'd do it for me again in a heartbeat....I just don't want to watch them suffer again. I don't want that burden to be upon them once more, yet I know with or without a husband it will indefinitely be.
Now, let me make it clear: as of now I am not dying (well I am, but y'know what I mean). I may have EBV, but I am certainly far from my grave, or maybe not...only the Lord knows. All I know is that my God-given desire of wanting to be "one" with another as soon as possible stems partly from knowing that my death will most likely be much sooner than my peers, from knowing myself and knowing how much I love physical touch, especially when I'm hurting (physically and/or emotionally), but most of all, from longing to bring the Lord glory through a Christ-centered marriage -- no matter how long He allows me to be here on earth.
I realize, though, that the marriage may never come. I may indeed have to face death with my parents and loving friends by my side, without ever being known fully (mind, body & soul) by another human being. I realize I may never be blessed with the privilege of being a wife and that I may be saying goodbye to the man I love after this summer and watching him find the one to whom he shall cling for the rest of his days. As I type this, I am saying to myself, "Amber, isn't all the Lord has done for you enough? What more do you want?". I admit....I selfishly at times want more....yet I know that the nearness of my God is my good (Psalm 73:28), no matter what. No matter what.
I will not pretend to act as if I am not in love with another, that I do not long for oneness with a man who loves Christ and me, as well...but, at the end of the day, that love that brought us together was founded upon Jesus - the Author and Finisher of my faith - and I know that He is sovereign over it. He can choose for us to not enter a marriage. I simply don't know. I go back and forth between wanting to remain positive and preparing myself for life without John after this summer. I have never been very good at balance, so trying to remain neutral on this issue so close to my heart is proving rather taxing.
I am falling back in love with Jesus, the One who knows me better than myself. No, I never left my First Love and have actively sought His wisdom through the past year, but I also know that my affections have at times been directed more so at my human desire instead of my Heavenly Father. I am human. I do not pretend to be otherwise. I love John, yet I've always loved Jesus more and now have to put my "proper theology of suffering" to practice -- every hour of every day. It is only Day #4, after all. There are many, many summer nights to go.
So, today I reflect on the simple fact that I will never have to worry about dying alone. Jesus is here. My family is here. I have been blessed with the most Godly, gracious friends on the planet; they will be there, too. I am scared at times. I do cry. I am not superwoman, as I said in Breathtaking. I am just as human as anyone else, full of emotions and always trying to find the balance between acknowledging them and being ruled by them. And for now, I rest calmly in the arms of Jesus, the One who never changes and loves me for who I am, now and forever.
To John (if he ever reads this):
As I wrote to you in my journal today, I miss you...but I leave you with Jesus and ask for His divine revelation in your life today, not that He'd tell you to marry me but instead that He'd just show you His presence. That, as we have always agreed, is far much more than we could ever ask.
By His grace,
Amber
7 comments:
amber, why is john leaving after the summer? i'm a little confused on that part...
John is deciding this summer whether or not it's the Lord's will for us to marry, hence why we're apart for the summer. I don't know if our relationship will end or not, but we'll either be engaged or going our separate ways by the end of the summer. This "Summer to Remember" is my journey apart from John, learning what Jesus has for me, as well.
Does that make more sense? :) Sorry! I should have put the ministry email I sent out at the beginning of the week on here before I started in.
Why would you not be able to marry the man you love. I am a Christian but i believe God would love for your desire to be married to come to pass. And why not with John? Is the only reason because of your disease?
I also think that the reason a god-loving couple may not end up together is not a directive of GOd, but rather a result of the broken world we live in.
If you two are a serious couple, why not consider seeing a christian counselor together to decide. I know when i did that, he helped me decide that i was able and willing to marry the girl i am now engaged to.
I'm a little confused about your whole situation. You're giving your boyfriend an ultimatum - marry me after 10 months or I'll leave you? You can't give ultimatums if you want a healthy relationship. The reason that most ultimatums don’t work is that you aren’t ready to follow through on your threat to leave. You hope that the threat itself will be enough to make your partner behave in the desired manner. The follow-through is so difficult because you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth to begin with. Instead of saying, “This behavior hurts me right here and now,” your ultimatum says, “Sometime in the future, this behavior will be punished.” This is a set-up, designed to further erode your low sense of self-worth.
Honey, I know this sounds harsh but you're a young girl and your time will come. Pressing the issue is only going to hurt you and the one you love. Your ultimate goal in life should not be to get married. You should never need another person to feel whole or validated, your relationship with God and with yourself should be enough to sustain you.
Threatening someone in order to get them to marry you does not bode well for a happy marriage.
I truly hope you consider the things I've said. Best of luck.
It seems you are confused. I never gave John an ultimatum; it was a joint decision to take this summer off. HE is the one who said he needs to have a decision made, Lord-willing by the end of Summer.
I don't ultimately desire for John to do anything other than the Lord's will. I don't pretend that I do not love him, but at the end of the day, as we always prayed: "Not our will, but YOURS be done, Father."
I know you don't know me, and you are entitled to think what you want, but that's the God-honest truth. I'm not threatening anyone, and I'm not saying that there aren't times that my desire to be married does not overtake me, but I am daily leaving that before the Lord, as we all do with our fears and weaknesses (or should).
I desire for John to feel His presence during this time, and the same for myself, as well. In fact, I'm not even praying that we'd get married, but instead that His presence would be revealed to both of us. I can't convince you, but the Lord knows my heart.
Thank you for sharing Rachel Barkey's website/speech. I am sad to see she has since passed because our human hearts and minds always want the earthly healing. But we know that her heavenly healing is such a demonstration of the love of our Father.
I love how you share your journey to balance your wants with the desire for God's will in your life. None of us know where we will be at the end of this summer, or even at the end of this day, but your story reminds me to just trust, trust, and then when I want to fix everything myself (which is pretty often), trust, trust some more. Please keep sharing, and we can all continue together in this desire to really let God's will replace our own.
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