"I Will Rise"

I didn't want to go to church today. Well, let me clarify -- my church. I had planned all week not to go, to avoid the inevitable....but God saw it otherwise and convinced (after a 20 minute argument with Him, which He won, as always) me to go. I'm so thankful He did. Oh, how the Lord is always up to something.

I was thinking about a song this morning by Chris Tomlin called I Will Rise and then found out in Sunday School that we would be singing that very same song in the main service, the song Jesus used to prompt me to face my fears and worship where I have for 23 years.

The song goes like this:

I Will Rise
Verse 1:

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an Anchor for my soul
I can say, it is well

Pre-Chorus:
Jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

Verse 2:
There's a day that's drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes

Chorus:
And I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise

Bridge:
And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!

And I hear the voice of many angels sing
Worthy is the Lamb!
And I hear the cry of every longing heart
Worthy is the Lamb!
You are worthy! You are worthy!
Worthy is the Lamb!

Final Chorus:
I will rise
when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise, on eagle's wings
Before my God
fall on my knees,
and rise...
I will rise....
I will rise....
______________________________

I can't begin to explain to you how healing that song was for me. The past couple of days, I have been learning that sitting around and counting down the days until some supposed decision is made is not productive. No, I still don't have a say in which way the decision will go, but I do have a say in what I do with my time in the meantime. I can either sit here and pine, or I can do something greater, something that will take every thing within me -- I can let it go.

No, I don't know how to do that at this point. I am not saying that I am denying my emotions or acting as if I no longer care. Far from the case. Wouldn't you care if it was your life? I thought so. Acting as if whatever is decided does not matter to me is not what I am talking about. It does matter to me. It always will, one way or another...but there's something greater in me that matters, my desire to conform my will to His.

After all, Oswald Chambers once said, "The most profound thing in a person is his will, not his sin." So, I ask you (and myself), what is my will striving after? Is it the Lord? Is it a diamond ring? Is it my degree through Moody...or is it Jesus Christ and His presence? I learned four years ago that my life is not in my control, yet somehow, there are times I still think it is. There are times I think I can will things to happen. I do have a strong will, after all, right? Well, yes, but last time I checked, God was still sovereign over that will and commanding that I conform it to His.

As I do this, I join the chorus that sings "Worthy is the Lamb", as the song says. The times I am stubborn and prideful and long to will my own life into place, I am not being obedient. I am just flat-out being sinful and full of nasty, Holy Spirit-hindering pride. I don't want to live that way, no matter if I live alone the rest of my life or not.

I pose to myself (and you) the same question Oswald Chambers posed to his readers so long ago and follow it up with his statement that goes with the question:

"Do I believe that Almighty God is the Source of my will?
God not only expects me to do His will, but He is in me to do it."

Amen.

"Death Is Not Dying"

"The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever."
-- John Piper

Summer 2009: Days #1-4 (well almost) are over.

Today I am pondering a video I watched earlier this afternoon (when I discovered my school's website was down - too bad) called Death Is Not Dying. I encourage all of you to take an hour or so out of your day sometime soon and watch (or listen) to Rachel, a young wife and mother explain that not only is she dying from cancer (as of March 4th, she was given 6-18 wks to live) but that she is not defined by her cancer but instead Jesus. Yes, I realize the video is 55 minutes long, but it's worth it. I promise.

Rachel's outline is:
1. Know God
2. Know Yourself
3. Know the Gospel
4. Know Your Purpose

Tears came to my eyes as I watched, as I thought of my own life and my own death.

So, as I sit here in my office and start my personal journey this summer with Jesus, I deal with fear #1.

#1: Dying Alone
Honestly, I don't want to die alone, i.e without a spouse. I don't want to die with just my parents, although I love them dearly and realize I could never repay them for everything they've done for me and know they'd do it for me again in a heartbeat....I just don't want to watch them suffer again. I don't want that burden to be upon them once more, yet I know with or without a husband it will indefinitely be.

Now, let me make it clear: as of now I am not dying (well I am, but y'know what I mean). I may have EBV, but I am certainly far from my grave, or maybe not...only the Lord knows. All I know is that my God-given desire of wanting to be "one" with another as soon as possible stems partly from knowing that my death will most likely be much sooner than my peers, from knowing myself and knowing how much I love physical touch, especially when I'm hurting (physically and/or emotionally), but most of all, from longing to bring the Lord glory through a Christ-centered marriage -- no matter how long He allows me to be here on earth.

I realize, though, that the marriage may never come. I may indeed have to face death with my parents and loving friends by my side, without ever being known fully (mind, body & soul) by another human being. I realize I may never be blessed with the privilege of being a wife and that I may be saying goodbye to the man I love after this summer and watching him find the one to whom he shall cling for the rest of his days. As I type this, I am saying to myself, "Amber, isn't all the Lord has done for you enough? What more do you want?". I admit....I selfishly at times want more....yet I know that the nearness of my God is my good (Psalm 73:28), no matter what. No matter what.

I will not pretend to act as if I am not in love with another, that I do not long for oneness with a man who loves Christ and me, as well...but, at the end of the day, that love that brought us together was founded upon Jesus - the Author and Finisher of my faith - and I know that He is sovereign over it. He can choose for us to not enter a marriage. I simply don't know. I go back and forth between wanting to remain positive and preparing myself for life without John after this summer. I have never been very good at balance, so trying to remain neutral on this issue so close to my heart is proving rather taxing.

I am falling back in love with Jesus, the One who knows me better than myself. No, I never left my First Love and have actively sought His wisdom through the past year, but I also know that my affections have at times been directed more so at my human desire instead of my Heavenly Father. I am human. I do not pretend to be otherwise. I love John, yet I've always loved Jesus more and now have to put my "proper theology of suffering" to practice -- every hour of every day. It is only Day #4, after all. There are many, many summer nights to go.

So, today I reflect on the simple fact that I will never have to worry about dying alone. Jesus is here. My family is here. I have been blessed with the most Godly, gracious friends on the planet; they will be there, too. I am scared at times. I do cry. I am not superwoman, as I said in Breathtaking. I am just as human as anyone else, full of emotions and always trying to find the balance between acknowledging them and being ruled by them. And for now, I rest calmly in the arms of Jesus, the One who never changes and loves me for who I am, now and forever.

To John (if he ever reads this):
As I wrote to you in my journal today, I miss you...but I leave you with Jesus and ask for His divine revelation in your life today, not that He'd tell you to marry me but instead that He'd just show you His presence. That, as we have always agreed, is far much more than we could ever ask.


By His grace,
Amber

Summer 2009: A Summer To Remember!

I'll start blogging on here later this week. Thanks for wanting to walk this journey with me, as I embark on my "summer to remember".....our God is faithful!

Simplicity

Sorry it's been so long. There's so much I could say about the last several months of my life, but for now, I'll keep it simple....

Jesus is Enough.

He's enough for me, for you, for the world. He always has been, is now and always will be....Hebrews 13:8 promises us that. I could divulge all of my secrets, all of my fears/hurts, but instead I choose this day to stand at the foot of the Cross and lay it all down, knowing He's been holding me the whole time waiting for me to drop my baggage off and stand in His marvelous grace.

What is He asking of you today?

What Brings Me Joy

What Brings Me Joy...

• Spending time with the Lord, being still and knowing that He is God.
  
• When my email inbox is, for the most part, caught-up!
  
• Making a to-do-list and getting to check things off
• Spending time with those who truly know me for ME, and want to talk to me not just because I have been on television or speak on behalf of the Lord
  
• Writing in my Moleskine
  
• Driving my 2001 Mazda Protege E.S...oh, how I love you "Sandy"
  
• Talking to dozens of people a day about our awesome Lord and His sovereignty and goodness
• Talking on the phone with others who truly love Jesus and "get" what life is about
• Working out at my local Curves
  
• Hearing "I love you" from my best friends and the man God has called me to love
• Learning how to love said man better; being refined in the process
• Mt. Dew, yes, at times it does bring me joy :)
• Pictures in my office
• Post-it notes
  
• Sending out copies of Breathtaking
  
• Traveling the country to proclaim a 'proper theology of suffering'
• Breathtaking deeply for His glory and taking one day at a time.
  

No One Ever Told Me...

No One Ever Told Me....

• 3 years after my transplant, I would be living a life I could have only dreamed, and better yet, completely in the center of God's will in doing so.
  
• My 'pipe dream', as it was named, of me being on Life Today would become a reality after 3 years of fasting/praying and honestly sometimes doubting it would happen. THANK YOU, LORD!
  
• That starting a ministry was going to be this much of an emotional roller coaster
• That I could have a love-hate relationship with my visionary spirit, a spirit that just wasn't content with writing Breathtaking but now is calling me to more
  
• That I would have dreams in my sleep about doing administrative tasks after I spent a whole day doing so in real life
• That my biggest weaknesses (aka administrative duties) would be turned into semi-strengths not because I want to work on them but because I have no choice!
  
• That getting federal tax-exemption status is emotionally-taxing, especially for one who would rather just sit and dream up ideas instead of actually having to be the one to not only come up with the vision but also implement it, as well
• That I would be given the opportunity to really see my crazy dreams come true, that the responsibility in doing so would be so humbling and exhilarating at the same time
• That the Lord would choose to use me in such an awesome way for His Kingdom, and in doing so, teach me that wanting to my hidden (until the past few months) desires to just be a wife and mom and not necessarily to speak to the masses is just as God-honoring and refining as if I'm on the road 365 days a year.
• I would have to re-learn at 22 yrs. of age that God really does love me not for what I do for Him but instead because I just love Him and long to devote my entire life to Him, that I would have to daily remind myself that my works don't save or sanctify me
  
• I may really could have BOTH a family of my own and a ministry - that I don't have to pick, that God can get glory out of me doing both instead of denying how much I long to be refined in a Godly marriage, one filled with children, while also fulfilling His role for me in regards to testifying to a 'proper theology of suffering'
  
• I would be blessed enough to meet the man of my dreams, the man I pray every night that I am able to call my 'husband', so that I will be the only one for the rest of his earthly life to tend to him, to fall under his headship, as he loves me as Christ loves the Church, a man that loves the calling God has on my life and compliments my gift-mix (something desperately needed as the ministry goes forward).
  
• I would get to wake up every day and correspond with people across the world, letting them know it's all about Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my dreams, my hopes, and ultimately my faith.
  
  Lord,
  I love You, not for what You give me but just because of who You are....but in times like this, I can't help but be overwhelmed by Your awesome presence in my life. Every day comes with new challenges, new things I have no idea how to do, but You're always here with me. You never leave me. Keep drawing me closer to Yourself. Burn away the chaff, Father. Cleanse my heart, brand it with Your message for Your people, O Lord. I want to be used, as Isaiah did...take me anywhere, just promise You'll go before me. Not will my, Lord God, but Yours, Abba, be done.
  
  

All I Want....

• All I want is to bring Him glory with every breath that I take
• All I want is to throw off this fallen body full of its sin and infirmities
  
• All I want is not to speak to thousands, although I will if the Lord allows (and He already has) but instead to be able to be fully known (at least as one can be in an earthly sense) and loved like Christ loves the Church by one man and to love him well all the days of my life.
• All I want is to remember the journey and not get so anxious for the destination
• All I want is to see my friends (like Rachel) walk down the isle and marry men who will take care of them and ultimately point them to the Lord for their completion.
• All I want is to continue to be refined, to continue to be crushed down and broken in two so that He can be most fully glorified through me.
• All I want is understanding from those who haven't seemed to realize that I now work out of conviction and not guilt, that I can't say 'yes' to all things -- even if they're for the Kingdom.
  
• All I want is to stand before Jesus and hear 'well done', to not get caught up in legalism but not let complacency ruin my life with Christ, either.
• All I want is to one day be a mother, to give the love of my life a son of his very own, to raise our child in the ways of the Lord and, for now, continue to not only pray for this miracle but BELIEVE that with God all things truly are possible.
• All I want is to see the days of abortion in this country cease, to be able to make people realize that there are millions of couples in the U.S. who desperately long for children and who would much rather take care of these innocent souls than see them killed daily by the thousands.
• All I want is for Jesus to come back and set up His monarchy, where He is Kings of Kings and Lord of Lords and the need for a president or other earthly ruler is no more.
  
• All I want is my glorification but am learning to appreciate my sanctification.
• All I want is to see Jesus face-to-face, the One who died for me.